Stepping into my 41

 On grief, courage, and the hard work of believing you deserve happiness.

This last weekend was a kind of retreat for me. I traveled solo to commemorate my 40th anniversary. Why solo? Simple, Jim has been with Jesus for nearly 10 years. I can hear some folks now. Why am I celebrating something that has been over for ten years? Why am I not over his death yet? What is going on?

I thought I was, but a well-loved nephew passed in March, and old wounds began to seep. I tried to open up to friends, but one doesn’t share my faith, and another had ready-made answers that did more harm than good. They both meant well, but it wasn’t what I needed at the time. God alone had my answers.

One recurring theme has been “be strong and courageous.” God didn’t tell Joshua to try, he said BE. In Joshua 1, God tells Joshua to BE strong and courageous three times in the first nine verses. The same day I read that chapter, I also read about Jesus healing the woman with the issue of blood. Jesus called her a woman of courage (Matt. 9:22).

I never thought of myself as a courageous woman. I seldom strike up conversations with people. I hover in the background, not wanting to bother people or be a bother to people.

My counselor asked me if I thought I deserved happiness.

I literally sat back. I had no idea if I deserved anything, especially happiness. Maybe that is a disservice Christians make to themselves and each other. We know we are to have joy, after all, that is one of the fruits of the Spirit, but happiness? Deserve?

Those are hard words. They had me scrambling for something steadier than my own feelings—that is when the number 41 started tugging at me.

Forty, and What Comes After

There is so much symbology behind that number. For those who are unaware, Biblically, 40 is a number for trial. Noah and his family suffered 40 days and nights of torrential rains that covered the earth in a flood. Moses and the Israelites endured 40 years of wandering in the wilderness. Jesus was tempted by Satan for 40 days and nights. All were times of testing, learning, overcoming, and complete trust in God. The strength and courage they shared are inspiring.

Then came 41.

Noah and the ark settled on top of the mountain, the doors were opened, and God gave us the rainbow.

Joshua led the Israelites across the Jordan, and they conquered the Promised Land.

Jesus put Satan in his place and began his ministry, leading to our salvation.

Through their ability to trust God, they—and I—have learned that putting trust in my own understanding, or in others, is often an exercise in futility. With the help of a fantastic Christian counselor, I realize that I have reached my 41. I am ready to step out and stop looking back with longing, guilt, and self-condemnation and begin looking forward with excitement, hope, and confidence.

What 41 Looks Like

In my weekend trek, I discovered that I can be strong and courageous. I am worthy of happiness, too. Some of the same things that bring me joy also bring me happiness, but my joy is not dependent on my happiness. Experiencing God’s creation brings me great happiness. Walking along the rim of the Grand Canyon or overlooking a huge crater left by God, who hurled a meteor at Earth, brought happiness.

My joy is not dependent on my happiness.

Doing those things alone, not thinking I had to be responsible for someone else’s happiness, also brought happiness. (Self-imposed guilt is awful!)

Lest you think all that aloneness is the only thing that brings happiness, I also discovered that serving others brings both joy and happiness. I am grateful that God gave me a servant’s heart, that I have the strength and courage to step forward for family, friends, and strangers.

I am stepping into my 41 and will be strong and courageous. Will you join me?